17, OCT.29.94 2012 Graduate :P
R.I.P. Andrew Estrada ♥
I’m just so fucking annoyed. This is really pissing me off and I was having a shitty day. It was getting better, then got way better, then just got terrible just like that. And it fucking sucks so much balls.
Idk where to even start. I feel like shit, I’m slightly depressed, and I feel guilty. Hey, it could be the fact that I hung out with my little bro’s and they all go to me saying how much they’re gonna miss me and it hasn’t hit me yet that I’m leaving, and I don’t feel like I miss them as much as they’ll miss me. It could be the fact that I’ve been being the worst person lately because of little dumb mistakes. It could be that i made a terrible decision with assumptions yesterday and didn’t get to see my one and only love on out 16-month/Independence Day. As a matter of fact, it’s all of that. In guilty that I it hasn’t hit me yet. I’m guilty that I don’t feel like I miss everyone as much as they say they’ll miss me besides my mom and my girlfriend. I’m guilty that I’m being a bitch with money and refuse to spend on certain things just to save when as weird as this sounds, I should be spending to do my last outings. I feel guilty that I don’t have enough time to balance and juggle everything. I feel depressed because it seriously sucks that it hasn’t hit me yet. I feel depressed because no matter what I know and instill in my head or what she tells me, I’ll always think there’s someone better for her. But there’s one that’s just the icing on top of the cake. That’s my dad. Oh geeh what a surprise. I can’t talk to him the way I feel like I have to deal with him. That’s going to cause him to think I don’t love him or I “dropped him like a chopped liver.” There’s never getting away from it. I can’t talk about it with other people because no one understands. Yea, I understand people out there don’t have a father figure. I should be lucky. But it’s so fucking difficult when this father figure of mine is more like a 10 year old kid who sips on beer like how a 2 year old sips on milk. I can’t talk about this with anyone because THEY ALL will say the same thing or won’t say anything at all. Or say “it’s ok” no it’s not fucking ok. Nothing is ok. It’s the fucking stress I have to go through EVERY night to deal with his drunk ass, to deal with his illogical self. There are so many things to talk about. And it seems like everything I’m just saying (or typing) are things I always say, but there’s so much more to it. Every time I say one thing he doesn’t like, there goes a fight because he gets mad, I tell him to not be mad (it’s usually for a dumbass reason), then he goes on saying he’s not mad just because he’s not yelling. Like wtf. The volume of your voice doesn’t classify whether or not you’re mad or not. I feel guilty because every day he tells me he cries every day because I’m leaving and I’m sitting here always quiet about it. The first few times I’ve always said its fine and been there for him but he tells me that every damn day especially when he drinks. I feel guilty because it’s to a point where he tells me so much, I’ve gotten to a point where I think “what do you want me to do about it.” I feel guilty because I don’t know what to do to help. I feel guilty because my family always tells me keep my conversation with him short and simple when he drinks, and when I do, it turns into a fight because he says I’m not “talking to him.” I feel guilty because every tiny fucking thing I do including NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE GAS STATION AT 3AM JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS ANOTHER BEER, he’ll say “you can’t do me this one favor? I’m your dad what if I die tomorrow.” You wanna know why I’m always so fucking depressed, and I’m just going out on a limb here and assume and hope no one personal I know is reading this, but I’m finally letting out what really REALLY bugs me. I’m fucking depressed and so guilty because this is how my dad is. THIS IS HOW HE IS. This man, is definitely a man, no matter what he does, he’s still my Superman. I look at him like “you don’t fuck with this guy.” This man did so much to raise me, he/we struggled so much. I love him to death and I will die for him without hesitation. But so many problems that can’t be fixed. So many things the will never be fixed. Repetition of pawning. Going from my moms jewelry when you are married to my video games/systems when I was in high school. The constant borrowing of money just to use it on boos. The anger management issues. The fact that you can’t say ANYTHING against him or he’ll will get into the mindset of contemplating suicide. I’ve had so many nights where I have to deal with him being drunk out of is ass. How he doesn’t remember anything all the time. How he tells me he’ll only drink on the weekends, then breaks it right away. Ugh. It just seems like I said this again but in different words. I can’t exactly get it quite right. How about this, basically… this is not how I want to remember my dad. Yes I think about all the amazing stuff he did for me, but so many bad things has gone over that no matter how much I think about how much of a chill badass, funny guy he is, ill always have it in the back of my mind that everything was never that good on the surface. These nights, these conversations, these lies. I can’t help but alway go back to how pathetic many of his actions are. Lying about having diseases just to get attention. What kind of person tells their son they’re diabetic (when they’re not) just so he can have them drive to the gas station to get ice cream. What kind of person tells their son they have cancer just as a way to explain he got life insurance. What kind of person tells his son he’s gonna die the next day just because his son wants to sleep at 4am instead of having a conversation with his drunk dad. You think this is how I wanna remember my father? No I don’t and that’s why I feel so guilty. Because there’s nothing that can ever change the way I think about him. I’ll always love him no matter what, but this is so hard to explain. Yea, I’ll always love him, but these thoughts are never gonna go away. He’s an amazing person, he has good intentions, he always tries to be funny with people because he strongly believes in spreading happiness to make everyone happy. His favorite words are “the law of attraction” and that’s so amazing. But that’s not how things are, all the time. I try my best to help with whatever he’s dealing with but every time I talk to him, he’s always drunk and when I talk to him besides that, he always talks about the same thing and always repeats himself and always talks about the same thing he’s talked about the day before or even fucking an hour before. The best part about it is that this will never change. Not only him, but my feelings. When I’m serving, it’ll be a constant worry about him, when I’m on leave and visit him and choose to see other people such as other family members or even friends (even though I will see him more days) he’s gonna get butthurt. No matter what, I will always be worried out there. I just wish that one it’ll stop. But wishing for that is like wishing to win the lottery, maybe even more. I’m just tired, sleepy, annoyed, disappointed, guilty, sad, upset and angry. I’m just waiting for that day comes where he’ll change at least a tad… but, Idt it’ll happen. I just wish, that it would. I just wish. So much.
I seriously think all the shit that happens with him, like right now for example is the the type of drama you’ll see in a fucking tv show or movie.
You’re always drunk.
You’re always bringing up the past.
You’re always trying to make me feel guilty.
You’re always lying.
You’re always being a hypocrite.
You’re always saying senseless shit.
You’re always a problem.
I need to calm down. This rage will be the end of me. I’m so angry. I’m so ready to blow up and scream and get my ass out of here. There were so many times where I was so ready to let it blow out of proportion. How do you have the audacity to do and say what you did. And then, pulling the whole thing of making me feel guilty again. How are you always going to do stupid shit just because I know what you’re doing is wrong. How can you even get off saying that shit to me and try talking to me like its all normal. LOL, then get mad at me for being mad at what you said. I’m so tired of this shit. IM SO FUCKING TIRED.